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Here we go. "What are the five most important words for
you?" is a question I like asking people. It tells me
something about their mindset.
Often people tell me the words that are high on their
values and/or goals lists. Words that represent what they
aspire for. Their answers (and perhaps yours, too) include
these words: Health, Love, Wisdom, Purpose, Peace, Success,
Meaning, Inspiration, Confidence, Respect, Intimacy, Trust,
Happiness, Leadership, Faith, Humor, God. Each of these words
holds a mystery we experience but never fully and completely
resolve.
For most people the word that triggers the strongest
response is their own name. What's my proof? You walk down a
busy mall and someone shouts out your name in the middle of
the crowd, you turn around. The use of your name causes such a
response that it is almost impossible to resist. The only
other word that gets a stronger reaction in a crowded mall is
"fire". Your name triggers a personal response. "Fire"
triggers a reptilian reflex and evokes fear and
awe.
This Key is about another word, another mystery. Which
then is the most powerful word in the world?
It is a three letter word that carries great meaning
and power. That word is
YES. Here are some of the potential meanings of what
the word YES can communicate:
- Yes, I
agree.
- Yes, you are
right.
- Yes, that is a
great idea.
- Yes, you can do
it!
- Yes, I
understand, and am now with you fully and completely.
- Yes, we have the
permission and power, capability and strength - we can do
this!
- Yes, thank you
for including me.
- Yes! We are
winning.
- Yes. Thank you
for challenging me.
- Yes, I love
you.
And more. The word YES means agreement and connection.
YES brings transference of my power and presence to you. YES
passes on your power and presence to the other person - your
friend, your partner, your child, your loved one, your team,
your employees. YES opens the door to collaboration, to
co-creation. It gives permission and enables us to move
forward together. YES makes us greater together than the sum
of our parts. YES is not an addition; it is a multiplication.
Learning to engage on the basis of YES multiplies our
knowledge and experience, intelligence and capabilities.
The
Blind Spot
If "yes" has such
magical powers, why are so many people so afraid of saying
"yes", such that "no" is their first response? What is the
Blind Spot? Consider these false beliefs:
- Saying YES
implies lack of strength
- YES makes you
vulnerable
- You lose
something when you say YES
- YES weakens your
position
- YES means
surrender
- YES will subject
you to the other person or group
- You won't be
respected when you say YES
- YES compromises
your integrity
- YES implies you
don't think for yourself
- YES
means you are not your own person
Making
Relationships Work
In a Harvard Business Review conversation,
Psychologist John M Gottman the executive director of the
Relationship Research Institute was asked: "What's your
biggest discovery?" Gottman replied: "It sounds simple, but in
fact you could capture all of my research findings with the
metaphor of a saltshaker. Instead of filling it with salt,
fill it with all the ways you can say yes, and that's what a
good relationship is. "Yes," you say, "that is a good idea."
"Yes, that's a great point, I never thought of that." "Yes,
let's do that if you think it's important." You sprinkle yeses
throughout your interactions - that's what a good
relationships is." Gottman worked with 3,000 couples over 35
years and the data supports his discoveries. "Successful
couples, he notes, look for ways to accentuate the positive.
They try to say "Yes" as often as possible. That doesn't mean
good relationships have no room for conflict. On the contrary,
individuals in thriving relationships embrace conflict over
personality differences as a way to work them through."
People say "no" out of habit. They resist "yes" because
they mistakenly equate "no" with independence; with being
one's own person; with being in control. But they deprive
themselves of the one thing more powerful than NO, which is
YES. As Richard Branson says: "Life is a helluva lot more fun
when you say yes rather than no."
Take Action
Here are some simple steps you can take to embrace and
unleash the power of YES:
- Find today five
things you can say YES to full-heartedly. Make this a
practice for 10 days. After identifying five yeses for 10
days you will have etched that mindset into your
reactions.
- Practice turning
a NO into a YES. The practice is to catch the habitual NO
just before it comes out and to turn it into a YES. Say
"Yes, and" and then complete the sentence differently. By
doing this regularly, you change your mindset, your energy
state and your brain chemistry.
- Give yourself a
big YES. Make it a ritual: when you complete a task, when
you succeed and accomplish something, say out loud: "YES" or
"YES, I/we have done it."
- Find the YES
inside the NO. When someone does or says something you
strongly disagree with, identify two good things in this
idea/action that you can say yes to. You may disagree with
the concept but agree with the intention or the quality of
commitment. You may disagree with something that was said
but ready to support the initiative, the care and the
courage in standing up. You may disagree with an action but
be supportive of the risk-taking spirit and the innovative
thinking. This is not
about making things nicer than they are. This is about a
discipline of mind that engages in positive and constructive
affirmation. You may say to someone: "This was obviously a
flop but first we gave it our best, and second we learned
how not to do it and I say a big YES to these two things."
Or you may say: "Yes, you have put great effort and thorough
analysis into this and you are going against the mold. I
disagree with your conclusion and will not approve this
decision but I appreciate your free thinking and passion.
Your energy is what made this a great exercise."
- Often tell your
son and daughter the most powerful sentence in the world,
"Yes, you can do it!" Tell it to your partner, to your team,
to your friends. Say "Yes, you can do it!" and "Yes, you can
do anything!"
Now it's your turn. Be your own leader. Turn the key.
Activate and discover the power of YES.
© Aviv
Shahar |
