Hello Leader,
Everyone
is entitled to a rant and rave once in a long while. This KEY is my
rant about a terrible blind spot and a stupidity often perpetrated and
rampantly propagated. Perhaps you want to share the Symmetry Trap
insight with your sons and daughters and with your spouse. It
saved some couples I know from many therapy sessions. Let's get to it.
Your comments are welcome. Please forward this KEY to friends, family and associates. Sincerely,
Aviv Shahar
Listen to our podcast: Your Biggest Mistake Ever - The Symmetry Trap, The Fallacy of Karl Marx and Talk of Love. |
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Your Biggest Mistake Ever - The Symmetry Trap
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symmetry trap is the biggest mistake people fall into in life. For some
irrational, crazy reason we get hooked, even mesmerized, by the idea of
symmetry and expect life to be equally symmetrical; this ruins almost
everything important.
The Newtonian obsession
There
is nothing symmetrical in the real world. The symmetry trap is a
distortion invented by man. Even beautiful flowers are not symmetrical;
same with leaves. Similarity and likeness, yes - symmetry, no. Still,
the Newtonian obsession (derived by idealized physics experiments) that
expects action and reaction to be symmetrically opposite and equal
causes tremendous grief, misunderstandings and misery in relationships
everywhere.
Expecting relationships to be symmetrical is a
current insanity. You assume what you get should be equal to what you
give; the person you love would love you back in a symmetrical way. You
think the help you provide to someone else should be offered back
symmetrically; the effort you put into a cause will be returned equally
to you. This is insane! Please hear me out. You might save yourself and
your loved ones years of grief.
Reciprocity is not symmetrical
The
simple fact is there is absolutely no symmetry in relationships or in
anything to do with humans. Expecting symmetry is a sure sign of
something gone wrong with our rationality, especially if only yesterday
we were quite happy to do our part and let the other person be and do
his/her part. You will not find, anywhere in this world, any
relationship that is symmetrical. It doesn't exist. Oh, there are a
great many healthy and robust reciprocal relationships, but reciprocity
is not 'symmetricity'. (Yes, we just made this word up to make the
point.) There are rich and fulfilling, meaningful and loving
relationships that are not symmetrical. How can anything be symmetrical
if we are each uniquely different?
Perhaps you've tried this
with a picture of yourself and you know that your face is not
symmetrical. There is no symmetrical face in the world. Take a picture
of your face and copy the right side to the left and on another piece of
paper copy the left to the right. You get two very different pictures.
In reality you look different from both sides. You are not symmetrical.
Nothing in nature is symmetrical. Only man-made, mass-produced products
are symmetrical. So why do we insist on symmetry?
This
symmetry trap is made worse by political correctness that puts a
morality on being equal. It distorts and corrupts the nature of
relationships and engagement in life, because young people are
indoctrinated to expect it.
The Fallacy of Karl Marx
In
business it's now fashionable to talk about transactional exchange
versus relationships. Good business is based on equitable exchange and
equitable exchange leads to relationships. Again,
reciprocity is important. But reciprocity is not symmetrical. It's
the difference between equality and equitability. Regrettably, even
most dictionaries are confused about the matter. Indulge me for a
moment. Equal by definition is not equitable. This is what Karl Marx
failed to understand. Nothing in this world is equal, but a world that
continues to move on the trajectory of becoming increasingly more
equitable is by definition increasingly enlightened. Whew, I feel
better.
Apart from the "one man, one vote" principle and
reductionist economic models, nothing in this world is equal. This is a
differentiated universe. Everything is unique. We are talking about
natural processes where nothing turns out to be equal. If something is
meant to be equal, it is meant to be equal to itself. You are meant to
be equal to you. I am meant to be equal to me. Your son is not meant to
be equal to you but to himself. You bring unique value because you are
you. Your son brings the unique presence and value that he grows into
because of him. That's where equity is found. Only when one can stand
and be equal to him or herself, can he or she be part of the whole and
find his or her place in the whole.
Talk of Love
Person
A loves person B very much. And person B loves person A very much. They
each passionately love each other. Not more. Not less. And not
symmetrically equal. A's love for B and B's love for A are not
quantifiable, and therefore not equal and not symmetrical. Love is what
occurs in each one of them uniquely.
Unrequited love is the
biggest falsehood from the beginning of literature. Love happens inside a
person. It cannot be unrequited because it cannot be requited in the
first place. How was this Newtonian distortion brought into
relationships anyway? It should have been corrected centuries ago.
You
give your love, devotion and dedication to a cause because you want to,
because you feel compelled to, because it gives you meaning and
purpose. It is a commitment not conditioned on symmetrical return. Think
of the equity of faith and of devotion.
Reciprocity means that
each is working to help the other, that each is trying to help the other
person meet his or her needs. Needs are never symmetrical and neither
is their fulfillment. My plea is simple. Looking for symmetry in your
relationships with your spouse or your child is a form of insanity that
distorts anything natural and gets in the way of the bounty and beauty
of unquantifiable returns on relationship equity.
Now it's your
turn. Turn the Key. Talk to your loved ones and friends about this
treacherous trap. Help each other break out of the shackles of symmetry.
Open a new possibility for you and for the people you love. Forge
together new space and freedom in your relationships and in how you grow
and support each other. We are all on a journey to discover our purpose
and realize how we can make this world a better place. This is the
meaning of personal equity. Equity found in the unique contribution and
presence we create and bring to the world.
© Aviv Shahar
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The KEY is Published by
Aviv Consulting LLC,© Aviv Shahar
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